10 tips for new parents (and experienced ones too)
July 2022
1 - Listen to your gut
Start listening in pregnancy and keep that going. No-one knows you or baby as well as you do. If something doesn't feel "right" or you’re worried about your child, contact a medical professional. Better to ask for help and not need it, than the reverse. If you have a toddler and they’ve been quiet for 10 minutes and you’re suddenly suspicious - yes, go and check on them because they are probably drawing on the walls, eating something they shouldn’t or about to do something dangerous. Just last week my 21 month old daughter dragged a chair over to the dresser where our fish tank is, opened a drawer, took out the fish food, OPENED THE LID, and spilled fish flakes everywhere while she tried to give the fish their “num nums”. I wasn’t even mad, just impressed.
2 - You don't have to sleep when the baby sleeps
By all means if you want to have a nap then go for it but if (like me) you're just not a nap kinda person than don't feel obligated to sleep when the baby sleeps. Sometimes it's nice to just be alone. In the quiet. With no one touching you. (Or you know, touching yourself if you want).
3 - You don't have to enjoy every minute
I call bullshit on people saying "enjoy every minute". Even the minutes when the baby has just vommed over your last clean top? Even the minutes where the baby is crying so hard they choke and turn red and you think they're going to die? The minutes where your cracked nipples are bleeding and hurt like hell? Bull. Shit. You do not have to enjoy every minute. And you do not have to feel guilty about not enjoying every minute.
4 - A happy baby isn't all that matters
Birth trauma affects around 30,000 people a year in the UK according to Birth Trauma Association. And that doesn’t include the birth partners who can also be traumatised. If someone had PTSD after a car crash, an assault or anything else, we would take it seriously and encourage them to seek professional help. Birth trauma is no different. Birth trauma is real and birth trauma is affecting the lives of too many.
People might listen to your birth story and say things like “Oh well at least you’ve got a beautiful baby!”. Well meaning, but ultimately damaging. Comments like these minimise the trauma and can make a person believe their trauma is not real, or that they are at fault, and they shouldn't talk about it, which only makes things worse.
If you are experiencing any of the following signs of birth trauma, please, seek support.
Flashbacks, nightmares or intrusive memories
Avoiding anything that reminds you of the trauma
Hypervigilance (constantly alert, irritable and jumpy)
Frequent worrying that something terrible is going to happen to your baby
Feeling low and unhappy
Feeling guilty or blaming yourself for the traumatic birth
Trouble remembering parts of the birth
You can speak to your GP, request your birth notes, request a debrief with a member of staff who attended the birth, seek counselling, attend support groups, try Birth Rewind Therapy. There are lots of options, you do not have to live with the effects of birth trauma.
Jen Smith is a birth trauma recovery practitioner and yoga teacher, specialising in helping women who’ve had a difficult birth or perinatal experience to recover and heal, physically and emotionally.
Tricia Murray is an anxiety and trauma coach, Advanced EFT Practitioner and can provide birth, perinatal and reproductive trauma support using the 3 Step Traumatic Birth Recovery REWIND technique.
5 - Write it down
It’s a cliche but it time really does fly. I know in the middle of the night on the 4th night feed the minutes feel slooooooow as fuck, but honestly the years pass in the blink of an eye. You will forget parts. You will lose all sense of time. You'll probably wish you'd done some things differently. Make time to fill out that Baby Record Book your auntie gave you because you’ll treasure those details no matter how seemingly mundane (22nd Sept - Tried sweet potato for the first time). I know it seems a while off but when they start talking, keep a note of the funny things your kid says.
6 - Ask people to take photos
Unless it's a selfie, there are usually very few photos of mum/birthing parent and the baby. There are always photos of the visitors holding the baby. So just ask someone to take the damn photo. Don't be shy or think it's vain, because it's not. It's absolutely priceless to have photos to look back on.
7 - Intrusive thoughts are normal
"Please don't die" I would whisper as I lay her down in her cot. "What if I trip down the stairs when I'm carrying her?" I asked myself multiple times a day in the first few weeks. "I can't drink hot tea, I’ll spill it on her". Intrusive thoughts are common and normal, but that doesn't make them pleasant or okay. Seek help. Talk to your family, friends, GP, Midwife, Health Visitor, Counsellor, or anyone that can support you. I found it helpful to tell my husband when they happened or to challenge them by literally saying out loud “You’re just an intrusive thought”. I thought of it as though I was taking away the power from a bully by calling them out on their behaviour.
8 - It's the most amazing hardest thing you'll ever do
Being a parent is really hard. I’m not sure anyone can prepare you for how difficult and yet also (sometimes) mind-numbingly boring it can be. It’s okay to find it hard/boring and even to not like it. Soak up any tiny moments of sheer ecstasy wherever they come and no matter how tiny. I remember nursing my youngest when she had her first viral infection. I looked down at her in the dim light of the bedroom, my heart swelling with love. I whispered "I love you so much" and shed a happy grateful tear, enjoying this precious moment. She looked up at me, and quietly pumped on my arm three times - parp, parp, parp.
9 - You don't have to be a perfect parent
Good enough, most of the time is all you (and your kid) need. Take the pressure off and for the love of God, delete all those Pinterest boards of “amazing craft and messy play ideas for baby and toddlers”.
10 - No matter how hard it gets, you will survive and your kid loves you
I know you feel so tired you could die. I know you feel so dehydrated from crying you might shrivel up. But you won’t. I know you feel like you don’t do enough for your child/ren. You’re too busy loading and unloading the godforsaken dishwasher again and so you can’t play pirates. You’re trying to work from home so you turn the TV on for the kids more often than you’d like. But it’s okay. Your kid/s still love you. Hard. Like, the most ever.
Here’s an interaction I had with my four year old daughter:
4 year old: “Mummy, you’re the best mummy in the whole world”
Me: “Thank you darling, that’s so nice to hear, I don’t always feel like I’m a good mum”
4YO: “But why, Mummy?”
Me: “Because sometimes I shout at you or don’t have time to play and I feel bad about that”
4YO: “I don’t mind Mummy, I still think you’re the best”.
Me: *crying*
What are your top tips for new parents?
Whether you are expecting a baby, have a small baby or a bigger (maybe even a grown-up) baby, I’ve got a class for you:
Pregnancy Yoga, Women’s Yoga and Parent & Baby Yoga
